Parenting a Parent: The Unfiltered Reality of Caregiving with J Smiles
Most of us expect that someday, our parents will slow down and we’ll step in a little more. But what happens when “someday” shows up overnight—and suddenly you’re the parent of your parent?
That’s exactly what happened to comedian and caregiver J. Smiles, who joined me on Carrie On! to share her story of caring for her mother after the sudden death of her father.
Her honesty is raw, her wisdom is hard-earned, and her humor is the thread that keeps it all together.
WHEN GRIEF TRIGGERS CAREGIVING
J.’s father died unexpectedly of a heart attack while watching football. In the aftermath, her mother’s grief and shock accelerated underlying dementia. What might have taken years unfolded in just months.
“Sudden death created a PTSD-like break,” J. explained. “It was as if the trauma unlocked Alzheimer’s that had been lying in wait.”
From that moment on, caregiving wasn’t optional—it was urgent.
The Hidden Costs (and $900 Meds)
Here’s a reality check: even with insurance, caregiving is expensive.
“One of my mom’s Alzheimer’s medications—with insurance—was $900,” J. shared. “And that’s just one prescription. That’s not even assisted living, doctors, or in-home care.”
And while her parents had financial resources, access wasn’t simple. Without the right paperwork—power of attorney, medical proxies, HIPAA releases—J. found herself fronting money on credit cards, only to get audited later by the IRS.
“Balance is a farce,” she said. “You’re either on call, or you’re asleep.”
Advocacy Born From Frustration
Even with degrees, connections, and resources, J. was stunned by how little support existed for caregivers.
“I was effing furious. If I’m catching hell with all these advantages, what happens to people without them?”
That anger led her to advocacy—using her voice, her comedy, and her platform to shine a light on what caregivers really face.
Finding the Humor (Yes, And…)
So how do you cope with the long goodbye of dementia, where your loved one physically looks the same but their mind drifts further away?
For J., the answer comes from improv: “Yes, and…”
“If Mom says the sky is purple, I say yes. If she wants eggs and then swears she’s never eaten eggs, I eat them. Humor lives in the yes.”
Caregivers, she says, can’t take it personally. The disease makes minds flip, and the only way forward is to let go of denial and lean into the absurdity.
Building Your “Village”
J.’s advice for anyone in the “sandwich generation” is simple:
Do the paperwork now. Power of Attorney, HIPAA releases, living wills—for your parents and yourself.
Create an access plan. One trusted person should know where accounts, medications, and key documents live.
Don’t wait on siblings. Angels often come from neighbors, church members, or even strangers who have walked the same road.
Say no. Boundaries keep you alive long enough to keep caring.
THE AHA MOMENTS FOR EVERY CAREGIVER
Balance doesn’t exist—pace yourself instead.
IRS audits don’t care about your caregiving story—document everything.
Laughter is survival—it’s okay to laugh even through tears.
Caregiving is the “long goodbye,” but you don’t have to do it alone.
Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Final Thoughts
Parenting a parent is messy, heartbreaking, and expensive—but it can also be deeply human, even funny at times.
As J. put it:
“The fact that you even said yes to show up any day, at any moment, to care for a loved one—kudos to you. Without family caregivers, the medical system would collapse.”
So if you’re in the trenches, you’re not alone. Breathe. Ask for help. And remember, sometimes the most powerful tool you have is simply saying: Yes, and…
🎥 Watch our full conversation on YouTube.
🎧 Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
Check out the Parenting UP! Caregiving adventures with comedian J. Smiles podcast and find community online at Parenting UP!
If you’re in the trenches of caregiving and need help, The Alzheimer’s Association has a 24/7 Helpline (800.272.3900). This is a free service for people living with dementia, their caregivers, families, and the public. Connect with a live person who can provide information, local resources, crisis assistance and emotional support. #ENDALZ
Until next time, keep your head above the chaos and carry on.
xo,
Carrie
